[I was wondering if I should publish this. What the hell. It's very, erm, middle class of me to worry about talking "publicly" about my sexual preferences. It's not a big deal, so here goes. Note that I am purposely not connecting this to feminism, because this isn't a political rumination. This exists in a vacuum, as if there were no feminist implications within sex work.]
I’m not very original when it comes to sex. I have “mainstream liberal” attitudes about sex, which means I have liberal middle-class attitudes. There is no reason to call this “mainstream” other than everyone does and it’s easy to understand what I mean. The middle-class is one class among many and its attitudes shouldn’t be privileged as “mainstream” except that they are, because the middle-class is the opinion-forming class (i.e., we log on to our laptaps in our free time and blog about our oh-so-interesting navels).
Anyway, my middle-class attitudes to sex:
I like sex. I’m not conflicted about it. I don’t have guilt. I have lost the few inhibitions I had (which were mostly around being naked). But I like vanilla sex. Oral, both giving and getting, is okay, but my main preference is for fingering, kissing, breast play and plain ol’ penis-in-vagina fucking. I haven’t even had anal sex. I’ve been tied up a few times, but nothing more extensive than neckties around my wrists I could easily undo and it’s not a recurring theme in my sex life. I bite. I like all positions, but especially like missionary and doggy style. I come from both clit-play and actual intercourse, if done in a few particular ways. I masturbate.
I am comfortable with casual sex except for the safety aspect. In other words, I don’t need to be romantically involved or want emotional connections to develop before I can fuck. I lust after cute guys that I would happily have a one night stand with. I enjoy the build up of a date, if only to give my instincts a chance to evaluate the sanity and trustworthiness of this stranger I want to fuck… but also because I like anticipation.
I get turned off men I otherwise find hot if they are stupid. I get turned on men I otherwise find unattractive if they are extremely smart.
I’m mildly into women at times — can see their attraction, have kissed girls and been to bed with one (who was also mostly heterosexual), but of late, haven’t really felt like exploring that side much. I’m overall mostly straight.
The things about prostitution that attract me are similarly unoriginal: the sex, and the extra money. Mostly the latter, but sure, if I like sex and can get paid to do it, what could be better?
But of course, that’s not how it actually works.
Why I haven’t done it?
I hate johns. Kinda makes it hard to play nice to them and pleasure them. I’m unable to be that duplicitous.
Diseases.
Danger. I would be terrified of a misogynistic psychopath getting his hands on me in a sound-proof hotel room.
Unattractive men. I know that very unpleasant feeling of dissociating from your body so you don’t have to fully experience an unattractive man being incredibly close to you. I don’t like dissociating from my body.
Because I like sex, I don’t want to turn it into work, especially if it often involves not being fully present in my body while it’s happening. That’s rape (to me).
The mental work. I’m lazy and self-absorbed and willful and moody. Things have to be about me, revolve around me and be geared to achieve my satisfaction. The work of pleasing johns through flattery, acting cheerful and agreeable and keeping up the plastic smile would wear me out. At least when I go to work and sit at my desk, I can mostly ignore people and go through the day without smiling if I don’t feel like it. Having to create a persona to get the work done doesn’t come naturally to me. I need to be myself.
The physical maintenance. My body requires a hell of a lot of maintenance. Shaving and waxing I can do but I ain’t getting no Brazilian waxes, and my impression is, guys have started to expect it and require it in young women. They at least want shaved pussies and I refuse to go there (way too painful and time-consuming to keep up). I also feel comfortable letting the hair grow out a little and I simply wear pants for a week. I hate to constantly obsess about every last hair on my body.
I don’t like fancy underwear. I wear comfortable cute feminine but cotton black panties, almost always. No thongs unless I want to get rid of the Visible Panty Line under certain pants and dresses, but I’m always glad to get home and get out of them. Even my thongs are cotton. My bras are also focused on comfort and support, no frills and lace. Would prefer to go bra-less, but if I have to wear a bra, it has to be comfy.
I really don’t want to fuck people I don’t find attractive.
I would probably try it though, if just for the novelty of it, if it weren’t for the danger and disease aspects.
Filed under: The Attic
the body hair removal part is the worst…I mean, I don’t like body hair anyway, but yeah, Brazilians? They hurt.
“I would probably try it though, if just for the novelty of it, if it weren’t for the danger and disease aspects. ”
That still would allow you to try stripping!
I agree with you about the negatives. It was very rare that I was attracted to a customer. Maybe 10x in two years. Once in Vegas I danced for a well-known football player who was 10 years my junior — quite hot. Good converationalist, too. But that was rare.
That still would allow you to try stripping!
:D
Stripping sounds like even more work to me. Also holds fewer chances of me getting anything out of it (as in, sexual satisfaction), and I would have to go to a good club in order to make real money from a short stint. The public aspect of it unnerves me too. I’m not going to a hotel room — I’m dancing in a bar anyone can walk in to.
well, actually, not all stripping happens in bars.
Octo – ten times in two years? Is it that the denizens of strip clubs are more ugly than the average population or is it that you simply don’t find that many men attractive?
Apostate – presumably, you could screen johns and only agree to contract with those you find attractive.
Good point. Not worth doing it in your own backyard if it’s just for a short stint, and probably too cumbersome to fly to Vegas back and forth do do it for a short stint. Oh well, looks like you’ll have to stick with Plan A.
I don’t quite understand why you would seriously consider giving prostitution a whirl.
Yeah, you’d have to take on johns that aren’t attractive to you, if you wanted to make any money. It’s not about your sexual needs, it’s about selling your body for the john to indulge his. And you’d have to engage in sex acts you weren’t feeling particularly enthusiastic about participating in at the time. Sure, you probably make compromises in bed, like not really being in the mood to give oral sex, but when that’s a situation where you’re having sex for fun and not profit, you can stop, and suggest something different, or suck it up (no pun intended) because you enjoy pleasing a partner who is into pleasing you, or are just into giving pleasure for pleasure’s sake. And the men you’ll be working at getting off will most likely be men who really don’t value women very highly other than for their looks and their orifices. Unless johns are in the small percentage of enlightened men who think of women as human beings.
Is it really worth the money? Or just for the experience? I don’t buy the idea that prostitution and other sex work gives workers such a unique insight into gender dynamics, one you can’t get from being a woman who doesn’t work in the business. I guess it can be an ego boost, if you’ve got issues about attractiveness – but if you’re female between the ages of twelve and thirty, it isn’t any great challenge to get a guy hard.
So exactly what would be the novelty aspect? Being treated like a sexual object? You can get that anywhere – walk down the street in any big city, especially in the warm weather when your body is very visible under your clothes. Sex with a stranger? That’s easy to come by. The insight into men you’ll get? Selling yourself would be about flattering and pleasing them, and being available, and compliant, and their having control. Here’s your insight to the male psyche: a lot of men want women who are compliant, always sexually available, and boost their egos. I had that revelation at around fourteen. Without engaging in sex work.
So what’s the draw to sex work? Really – do you think there’s some arcane knowledge that only women in the business possess? Do you need a big chunk of money for minimal time spent working?
I just see such a huge amount of rationalization about sex work in feminist and feminist-sympathetic blogs these days. There’s nothing revolutionary about it – it’s doing what girls and women have been doing for thousands of years. Selling our bodies during some point in our short “sell by date” and proving to men that we’re commodities. If you’re lucky enough to be a position where sex work isn’t necessary for your financial survival, why do it?
For going on ten years now I’ve wanted to try some form of sex work, but so far have been too chicken to actually go through with it. I absolutely LOVE pole dancing, so now the original things that made me afraid to try stripping – not being able to dance, not being able to walk in heels – aren’t issues anymore, but I realized there are other, more basic issues such as 1) strip clubs are usually smoky, and cigarette smoke REALLY bothers me; 2) I hate approaching people or being “outgoing,” and that’s what you have to do to get lap dances; 3) speaking of lap dances, they would annoy me for the same reason waiting tables annoys me: the asshole customers.
i think I would be good at having sex for money, but it would have to be JUST that. I don’t have the time, patience, or poker face to keep up the pretense of “escorting” – basically, I have no desire (and no ability, really) to pretend like I give a shit about some guy or want to be his arm candy, let’s just get down to business and give me the money, no GFE bullshit. I also couldn’t do the full body sensual massage thing because that would be hell on my muscles, and again, let’s just get down to business already.
After much thought and consideration I think porn is where I could be the most successful and get the most enjoyment out of it. But so far I’ve been too lazy to actively pursue anything. (It doesn’t hurt that I also happen to love my current job, so it’s not like I have a strong motivation.)
Uh, sorry for rambling there!
Kmach, you must be really new to the blog. :)
I’m extremely critical of sex work (because of the aspect of female service for male benefit, 99% of the time).
This is NOT meant as a feminist discussion which is why I put that little note at the top explicitly stating I’m considering this OUTSIDE of feminism.
Did you notice the part where I said I hate johns? That kinda puts a damper on my enthusiasm for sex work.
I explained the draw: sex and money. Mostly the money. As a return on time put into it, I could make in two hours what I make in a week. And I make pretty good money at my office job, but still — I could make the equivalent of a week’s pay in two hours. As someone who spends SO much time working (8 1/2 hours at work plus an hour’s commute each day five days a week), it is extremely tempting to exploit the opportunity in sex work.
And by the way, no, I never compromise in bed. Never. If I come and then lose interest in going on with it, I simply stop, and damn my partner’s needs. :) I’m completely selfish in bed. That would make it kinda hard to do sex work too.
But even aside from all the non-feminist reasons for not doing sex work, which I outlined in this post, I will ultimately not do it on feminist principle. I object to women’s status as sex objects and I would lose respect for myself if I went down that road. It ain’t me.
[...] out into something less stream-of-consciousness/”bad emo poetry.” Then I went and wrote a long-ass comment on Apostate’s blog, and it reminded me of this as-yet-unfinished post. So, first I’ll give you the initial [...]
kmach- if you think it’s all about bodies and holes…wow. There is much more to it than that.
“Octo – ten times in two years? Is it that the denizens of strip clubs are more ugly than the average population or is it that you simply don’t find that many men attractive?”
The denizens of high-end SCs reflect the average looks of the population, I think. On the con side, money can mean long hours, age, and not enough working out. On the pro side, money can mean paying to improve the effects of these things. So it’s about a wash.
The percentage of guys I find attractive, as in fuckable, is probably significantly lower than average, I must confess. Due to various requirements that would probably reveal me as a shallow person, so I will spare everyone further detail.
But where I was really going was: customers, people I would target. My business development techniqe was more focused around determining the source of my future income stream ahead of time rather than waiting for it to descend and taking pot luck. My “type,” as in the type that R&D had indicated were most likely to be liberated by me of large portions of their K1’s and often their more liquid index funds, tended not to be super-hot.
Guys in the latter category, while occasionally good for a dance or two, are often expecting a freebie or loath to pay much for what they can get fairly easily for free, and other more generous souls than I were often willing to spend time with them — limiting my ability to price-gouge.
The 10-12 that broke the mold were usually folks who were either so hot I had to break tradition and test their mettle (the football player fit in here), and they actually suprised me, or folks who were so liquid that they didn’t have problems ponying up the tab despite usually not needing to (a couple internet startup dudes, one who has since retired and is in Hollywood, fit in here).
Yeah, I am new to this blog – followed a link here from somewhere else.
You can’t frame sex work outside a feminist discussion, in my opinion. Not when female sex workers are involved.
I don’t see the point of a post about how you’re considering sex work, if you have no intention of actually considering sex work. I guess that’s why I was confused – you seemed to be saying, hey, maybe I’ll try sex work.
So I can accurately sum up your post as:
- I want to make a lot of money fast
- Sex work is one way to do that
- But I’d hate the work
- And find it ethically and politically troublesome
Can we substitute “sex work” with drug trafficking, robbing little old ladies, or pyramid schemes? Not as titillatiing, though.
Kmach, I believe I can frame a discussion any way I want. The point of this post is that I felt like writing it.
We cannot substitute sex work with drug-trafficking, robbing little old ladies or pyramid schemes. Two of them involve hurting people and I don’t like hurting people. Drug trafficking is just plain too risky and involves a very great risk of jail time.
Yeah, of course – it’s your blog. You could also frame a post where robbing little old ladies and drug trafficking don’t involve hurting anyone, and the risk is minimal. It would make as much sense as a discussion of sex work without their being any discussion of the gender dynamics involved.
You’ve got to remove the part about shaving your pussy in the post, though, because that just says plain out that “men” expect it from “young women” – which kind of directly engages with the idea that it’s men buying the sex, and that the women have to be young and groomed a certain way, which leads to the conclusion that gender is involved, and that this hypothetical sex work doesn’t exist in a vacuum.
Kmach, stop telling me what to do and leave. Go on. Scram.
we have to be young? Damn, I missed the memo!
Good for you Apostate for not taking any of Kmach’s bullshit. It stinks, bad.
IMO, what pegs you as middle class more than some kind of discomfort talking about sexual preferences (?) is this: “The mental work. I’m lazy and self-absorbed and willful and moody. Things have to be about me, revolve around me and be geared to achieve my satisfaction. The work of pleasing johns through flattery, acting cheerful and agreeable and keeping up the plastic smile would wear me out. At least when I go to work and sit at my desk, I can mostly ignore people and go through the day without smiling if I don’t feel like it. Having to create a persona to get the work done doesn’t come naturally to me. I need to be myself.” How is that different from working in a grocery store or as a waitress? Any kind of service industry job?
I’m a former sex worker and it was hell for me btw. I don’t know if I should be or not, but I’m kind of offended at the comparison to office jobs. Meh.
Unattractive men. I know that very unpleasant feeling of dissociating from your body so you don’t have to fully experience an unattractive man being incredibly close to you. I don’t like dissociating from my body.
Hey, I really identify with this, but I think it can happen with “attractive” people too. I don’t think it’s necessarily always tied to whether or not I find someone “attractive” in an abstract sense.
Maybe you could find a dungeon situation in which several dommes throw a slave party? That way you could dress up and get an idea of the sensations (like, the smell of overweight dudes’ nutsacks!) involved without actual touching (aside from BDSM techniques, but no sexual touching). It’s kind of surreal, for instance, watching some joe-from-the-street jerk himself to ejaculation in front of you, but you can do this in the safety of others. Also, the slave aspect would prevent the guys from doing anything without your permission. If anything, you could sit and observe and they would still be into it.
I sometimes see a random guy on the train and think, “if I was a sex worker, I might have to be naked with him within the hour!” It’s kind of a fucked-up variation on the “there’s your boyfriend” game. :)